It’s the offseason, which is super lame because now we have to wait DECADES before precious college football comes back, taking over our Saturdays with big plays that either make us dance with joy or curse the heavens because WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID, 18-YEAR OLD CORNERBACK WHO IS ACTUALLY DOING THINGS WHILE I SIT ON MY COUCH AND DRINK BOOZE AND YELL AT THE TV!
Speaking of which, because it is the offseason, I really had to sit down and ask myself the important questions: what will Washington State do this spring to help prepare them for a rigorous 2013 schedule? Can Mike MacIntrye help Colorado legitimize its move to the Pac-12? Which Pac-12 coach would be the most fun to drink with?
All important questions, and maybe someday I’ll get around to the first two. But for now, let’s answer the tough question that has been on all of our minds. There are 12 coaches in the league, and some of them seem like they would be a perfect companion to chat with over a beer (or seven), so here is my list of who I think would be the best and worst to do so with.
12. Todd Graham – Arizona State
He would order round after round while talking big game and kissing ass before hearing about Long Island Wednesday at the bar down the street and bailing unexpectedly, leaving you with a giant tab.
Never grab a drink with Todd Graham.
11. Lane Kiffin – USC
This would be the most annoying person in the league to grab a strawberry raz-ma-taz daiquiri with (because that’s the EXACT kind of thing he would order for you). You would most likely end up at a Senor Frogs where Kiffin would make up stories about himself, drink with reckless abandon, and then overreact about something you said while everyone was joking around and leave the tiki hut stamping his feet and badmouthing you on the internet under a false identity.
10. David Shaw – Stanford
Probably the most boring coach to drink with. Not bad, just dull. I can’t imagine this being anything but Shaw drinking white wine while reminiscing on his time with the University of San Diego Toreros before turning to his attention to politics.
9. Mike MacIntyre – Colorado
You would spend the night drinking one 40 of King Cobra because MacIntyre has to save his money to buy things like water and pens on his own dime because Colorado’s AD is horrible at his job and makes coaches pay for things like that.
XXX. Chip Kelly – Philadelphia Eagles
This would be exhausting. Things would start by pre-gaming at a dizzying pace before moving from bar to bar. While you’re pretty much toasted by the fourth establishment, Kelly is drinking his 13th Redbull vodka and moving on without waiting up for anyone else, still completely sober.
*Well, now that Chip Kelly left he is RADICATED from this list (except I’m too lazy to delete this section). Drinking with him in Philly would be a nightmare. Things would start well, with happy fans buying everyone drinks, but then it would turn horribly wrong when he spilled a half-empty cup of bottom-shelf vodka and water and those once-happy fans booed him out of the bar while screaming obscenities about him and his family. Philly fans don’t seem like that much fun to be around.
7. Jim Mora Jr. – UCLA
Drinking with Jim Mora Jr. would be all business. This is the guy you go on a pub crawl with, as long as there is a giant group of people so you can avoid one-on-ones with Jim. I’m sure before the group left there would be a briefing on which bars have what deals, when certain activities would happen, and who your buddy is so when you have a few too many IPAs you know who will be sending you home in a cab. Ohh, and don’t even think about drinking too much, because Jim Mora Jr. is NOT afraid to send you home in a cab so the rest of the group can have a good time.
The day would end with him meticulously ranking his favorite bars and reminding you how dangerously close you were to losing your pub crawl privileges.
Let the man plan it out and then stay the hell out of the way.
6. Kyle Whittingham – Utah
Nothing wrong with a glass of milk and cookies.
5. Mike Riley – Oregon State
There are very few frills drinking with Mike Riley, but it would be a good time. You would have a few drinks, share a few laughs, and then fist pump for joy when you found out Riley was buying everyone food at the end of the night.
4. Sonny Dykes – Cal
The new guy seems like a wild card. Young, Texan, Mike Leach disciple. I get the feeling you would go into the evening thinking it was just going to be a night having a few drinks with the boys, but then it would turn to whiskey shots which would turn into more whiskey shots which would then turn into a morning where you wake up and wonder why there were so many whiskey shots but the photos on your phone make it seem like you had a good time. Welcome, Sonny!
3. Steve Sarkisian – Washington
This could possibly be the most entertaining of the group. How many Rainiers would it take before Sark started clowning on Lane Kiffin and getting up on the bar to yell WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF at complete strangers (mostly co-eds)? Seven. Seven is the answer.
2. Rich Rodriguez – Arizona
He’s from West Virginia. Those people drink a lot and have almost no handle on their liquor. It’s embarrassing. Remember, these are the folks who practice arson for no real reason.
Not a doubt in my mind Rich Rod would bring his flour sack full of (Michigan) money to buy bottle service and sing karaoke until the bartender asked him to leave and never return, where he would then proceed to take the party back to his place and down bathtub moonshine. FUN!
1. Mike Leach – Washington State
I don’t even think this is close. This has nothing to do with my homerism, it has everything to do with Leach being regarded as one of the most interesting people in football. There is no telling where the conversation would go. The time he peed on a dog to teach it about respect? Maritime law? Seinfeld? The possibilities are endless.
If you disagree, please complain to me on Twitter @DonnyOutWest or send your own list to DonnyOutWest@gmail.com.